Suffering

Well, for anyone who hasn't heard yet, we are expecting again! Baby number 5 is due in April which will bring us to 6 children. I am almost 16 weeks along and am coming out of the miserable first trimester. I dread it every time. I have morning sickness all day long and am SO tired. Even food commercials on TV make my stomach scream. Keith would ask me for suggestions on what to cook for meals and even thinking about food is too much. But I am also really hungry, if I could only find that one special food that doesn't sound disgusting. It really is neurotic. I was more tired with this pregnancy than I remember being with the others. I lay down with Lila to put her to sleep at nine and hell and high water won't keep me awake after that. ( Above is a picture of a snack Trip made for himself- in desperation apparently.)
The physical discomfort is unpleasant, of course, but the true suffering is from watching my kids not have a functioning mom. All these little ones that need me and I am falling asleep on the couch. I don't like my kids eating cereal for dinner every night, I don't like taking sick days from Grace's homeschooling, I don't like the house being trashed in every single room, dishes all over the counter, old food or no food in the fridge, no one has clean underwear or socks and the grass is a foot high out back. And it is so long for everyone. It is one thing to feel bad for a day or two, but week after week after week, it seems like it will never end.
Then I begin to wonder, "God, if you love to create new life so much, why do you have to make it so miserable!" But I look and see Jesus on the cross and remember, God's own Son had to suffer, why should I expect better? After 5 tries, I might be learning a little something about why God has me suffer with each pregnancy. It is a lesson in gratitude. When I reach that miraculous week 16 and the morning sickness and fatigue are suddenly gone, I am SO THANKFUL to be able to clean a toilet, fry an egg, or fold 10 loads of laundry. I am thankful to have the ability to take care of my children again. I am reminded what a gift it is to be a mother and how much I love my kids having me for a mom. It is so sad seeing them fend for themselves like the lost boys in Peter Pan. They need me and I love being able to take care of them. Sometimes mom stuff can be repetitive- cleaning up the same toys, washing the same dishes, folding the same clothes- but it is WAY worse to not be able to do it. Thank you God for reminding me how much my children need me and how important all the little things I do everyday are to the peace and joy in our home. Amen