Patience

Brie has now been living with us for almost 6 weeks. I am having feelings of worry and hopelessness very similar to the feelings that I had when Lilarose was born. Because of her cleft palate she couldn't nurse and I was left without my baby cure-all. Nursing a baby is such a bonding experience and I missed that easy connection. And how could Lilarose ever be as attached to me as the other kids are without all those sweet tender moments? The smell of her formula was revolting, seriously, and she cried so much more than the other babies ever did. I longed for the familiarity of having the same experiece that I had had with the other kids. I felt like things would never be right. I felt disconnected from Lila.

Now she is nine months old. Lilarose has had a successful palate repair, she is a very happy baby and loves her mama like crazy. She is even the first baby to say 'mama' before 'dada'! Why did I spend all that time worrying? What a waste.

And now here I am with Brie. Letting myself worry again. How will she ever feel like she belongs in our family? How do I bond with a child right when I should be letting go? How do we even live together when we are from such different worlds? Brie has a good heart and I already love her. If she were to leave now I would be devastated. Yet I can't imagine things being easy. Will it someday be easy to correct her behavior without her taking it personally? Will we be able to find common interests to share and jokes to laugh about? Will she be able to accept a hug from me one day without prickling up? Will she ever truly be willing to drop all her walls and give and receive love from us. In my heart of hearts I believe yes. It may take more than nine months to be able to look back and realize that everything turned out ok, but one day I will realize that is has. As long as I try to be Christ to her, and not Rebecca. Rebecca gets hurt, feels rejected, takes things personally and worries. But Christ just wants to LOVE. He corrects out of love, not anger or irritation. He sees the big picture. He never gives up. He is patient.

Lord, grant me the patience, wisdom, and hope I need be what Brie needs. Live and love through me. Amen