Let them come

With baby number 5 on the way, I think that I have finally grown past the belief that I am planning out my life and am the one in control. I feel the surrender to God. I want to live God's will for my life and be a tool for Him to use as He sees best. Whomever you want to create Lord, we will make room for them. Bless us Lord, and we will accept with gratitude. At this point I really don't see how having one more child or 5 will really change my life that much. We live the rhythm of a large family now. Adding children will only affect how long this song will play. So let them come Lord. Continue to give me the graces I need and I will follow you. I have passed through the initial fire that burns off those things that could have kept me from having a large family.
Perfectionism. With the first couple of kids I wanted everything perfect. Perfect, brand new clothes, perfect, beautiful home. Perfect behavior and picture perfect holidays. Now my priority is to have the things I need and where I can find them. And I understand that we do not make our kids who they are, we are only molding what is already there.
Career. Each baby used to be a new count down to how many years until all the kids would be in school and I could start a career. Now my kids and their education have become the most fulfilling job I could imagine putting my time and strength into. I will change the world, one child at a time. Creating children who know how to love and are who they were created to be is a very worthwhile pursuit. And finding ways to save money is almost as good as making money.
Free time. This is hard to give up because having kids is very inspiring! I want to sew them pretty dresses and cook yummy things and read all the books. But I am learning how to take short 15 or 30 minutes escapes throughout the week which add up to me being able to still have hobbies and interests.
Husband time. I know that it is important to make my husband a priority. When the kids are grown and gone it will be Keith who is left there waiting for me. It is Keith to whom I vowed to God to love all the days of my life. I know that he looks forward to the time when things are easier, when we have more freedom to do as we please, and less chaos. But I also think that the children we have are a big reason that we are still very much in love. Love can so easily grow stale.... but these children force us to mature. I see Keith work harder and harder to provide for our family. He must grow in his ability to sacrifice for others. His knowledge and wisdom when it comes to children continues to grow. And with each pregnancy he becomes my rock. In the same way I am forced to raise the bar with each child. To become more patient, more efficient, more loving, and more willing to sacrifice. We are each becoming better people and more lovable to each other with each child. And we share the laughter and amazement of seeing what new individuals God creates from our openness to life. I think kids are good for marriages.
Comfort Having kids is not exactly comfortable. Much time is spent dealing with bodily excretements or contortioning oneself into weird positions for one reason or the other. There are endless hours spent carrying children and doing things one handed. No matter how organized you are the house will get dirty every day and needs to be cleaned again. I haven't slept through the night in years and I rarely get an uninterrupted shower. But thank you God, that we adjust to the stress we are put under. These things are normal now and don't bother me (most of the time!), and the little comfortable escapes I do get are amplified. And what is more comfortable than snuggling your nose into a head of baby curls?!
Security No, I won't be able to give my kids everything. They are going to have to work through college like I did and will start off their lives living on love just like Keith and I! But are they going to be worse people because of it? No. Are people whose parents pay for their college happier people? I don't think they are happier or unhappier. Our kids will understand, just as I did, that mom and dad chose to give them more siblings rather than buy them things they don't really need. And it will be hard, and they will work for those things they really want. And they will realize one day that the security their parents were able to give them came in their knowledge of family and love and a foundation of faith.

Someone's little girl

This Saturday was Brie's mom's birthday. We visited her grave at the cemetery, went to a movie, let her go on facebook as much as she wanted, and just tried to make the day not completely miserable. It was surely, still, a very hard day for Brie. And I know that this day will be hard for her for many, many, years to come. Moms are irreplaceable.
A couple of summers ago one of my little sister's friends died in a highway traffic accident. Shannon had been friends with Karen since elementary school and I can easily picture her as a little girl up through high school. She left behind a husband and three year old daughter. For the weeks that followed all I could think about was this little girl who was her mom's world. All the little things that moms do for their kids. Who was going to give Lola her cute pig tails and make sure she always looked adorable. Who was going to call her boogie and beam as she tells funny anecdotes about what Lola had done? Who was going to make the foods she liked, who was going to hold her when she cries, who was going to make her a little princess for the rest of her life? Shannon's husband has always been a very involved and loving dad, but moms are irreplaceable.
I try to think about how much Roxanne loved Brie. Brie was her little girl and her whole life. Probably the best thing that ever happened to her. Sometimes with all the disciplining and door slamming and teenage stuff it is hard to remember that I am taking care of some one's little girl. I am the one who needs to cherish and love where a mom left off. Despite all the drama that erupts out of tragedy, God created this child to be loved and has a purpose and beautiful plan for her life. Brie won't believe me, but I know God didn't create her just to suffer and be miserable. Jesus would have died for each and everyone one us on the cross, and He did. We all have a father for suffered and gave up everything because He loved each one of His children that much. And I wish that I could truly live in a state of awareness that each one of us is worth dying for. Each one of us is loved beyond measure. The jerk in traffic, the rude coworker, the judgemental person in your life... God sees them first as His little one who is worth dying for. Lord God, please help me to see Gabrielle as her mom did, and help me see all people as you do. Amen

Suffering

Well, for anyone who hasn't heard yet, we are expecting again! Baby number 5 is due in April which will bring us to 6 children. I am almost 16 weeks along and am coming out of the miserable first trimester. I dread it every time. I have morning sickness all day long and am SO tired. Even food commercials on TV make my stomach scream. Keith would ask me for suggestions on what to cook for meals and even thinking about food is too much. But I am also really hungry, if I could only find that one special food that doesn't sound disgusting. It really is neurotic. I was more tired with this pregnancy than I remember being with the others. I lay down with Lila to put her to sleep at nine and hell and high water won't keep me awake after that. ( Above is a picture of a snack Trip made for himself- in desperation apparently.)
The physical discomfort is unpleasant, of course, but the true suffering is from watching my kids not have a functioning mom. All these little ones that need me and I am falling asleep on the couch. I don't like my kids eating cereal for dinner every night, I don't like taking sick days from Grace's homeschooling, I don't like the house being trashed in every single room, dishes all over the counter, old food or no food in the fridge, no one has clean underwear or socks and the grass is a foot high out back. And it is so long for everyone. It is one thing to feel bad for a day or two, but week after week after week, it seems like it will never end.
Then I begin to wonder, "God, if you love to create new life so much, why do you have to make it so miserable!" But I look and see Jesus on the cross and remember, God's own Son had to suffer, why should I expect better? After 5 tries, I might be learning a little something about why God has me suffer with each pregnancy. It is a lesson in gratitude. When I reach that miraculous week 16 and the morning sickness and fatigue are suddenly gone, I am SO THANKFUL to be able to clean a toilet, fry an egg, or fold 10 loads of laundry. I am thankful to have the ability to take care of my children again. I am reminded what a gift it is to be a mother and how much I love my kids having me for a mom. It is so sad seeing them fend for themselves like the lost boys in Peter Pan. They need me and I love being able to take care of them. Sometimes mom stuff can be repetitive- cleaning up the same toys, washing the same dishes, folding the same clothes- but it is WAY worse to not be able to do it. Thank you God for reminding me how much my children need me and how important all the little things I do everyday are to the peace and joy in our home. Amen

Cinderella?

There were about six weeks between the time when Keith and I decided to seek placement of Brie and the day that she actually moved into our house. We went about the work of shifting bedrooms, buying her furniture and bedding and perusing the teen clearance racks. Keith and I got into the habit of hiding out in Brie's empty bedroom.... it was clean, quiet, and comfy. It was a good place to day dream about all the things we wanted to add to Brie's life. We looked forward to loving her and teaching her all the lessons we have learned about life thus far. We looked forward to our kids loving her and her enjoying the kids like we do. We anticipated the excitement of having a young person who is getting ready to go out and take on the world. We were looking forward to seeing Cinderella transform into her ball gown and go to live happily ever after of course!

Well, real life is a little different. Brie quickly turned her room into a place we dare not tread... garbage seems to multiply exponentially, she burnt a chunk of carpet in the middle of her room and chooses to sleep on the floor or on top to her bed with a old blanket she brought with her. Many of the items I gave her have 'disappeared' or I have found in the garbage. Our hopes of passing down our 'wisdom' are seen as lectures and the eyes roll. The other children are mostly annoyances and she needs to 'get out of the house' often to go for walks and get away from all the busyness. Most of the freedoms we gave her when she first moved in have had to be taken away due to misuse.
My ability to ever fill the shoes of Brie's mother feels like building a bridge across the Grand Canyon with popsicle sticks. All those things that kids love about their mother.... mom's voice, mom's smile, mom's smell, the feeling of a hug from mom etc, etc, etc. These are things that can not be recreated. I can not be Brie's mom. I must accept that I will always be something different. . I try to meditate on Brie's mom and feel the love that she has for her daughter and to pass that on to Brie. I imagine Brie as a little girl and how she must have been the sunshine in her mom's life. I wish I could have been Brie's mom's friend and helped her through her trials. I wish I could change her mom's life so that she could be with Brie always. Brie's mom will always be better for Brie than I can be. And that is how it should be. There is no fairy tale ending where we make everything better and this child lives happily ever after. Brie will always have these scars and nothing can change what she has been through. But we all must suffer in this life. Some of us face suffering early in life and some of us have greater suffering. But all of life is learning to accept our suffering, offer it up to Jesus, and use it to grow closer to Him. Jesus himself was not spared from suffering. I can't take Brie's paing away, I can't go back in time. I can only love her and be the next stage in her life. I hope that this stage in her life is a time of growth, happy memories, and hope for the future. And in time there will be things that Brie will find endearing about our family too. Maybe there is no such thing as happily ever after, but maybe there is happier ever after.

Homeschooling

*Disclaimer: I am not against public schooling. I do not think that homeschooling is for everyone. I do not think parents who send their kids to school are wrong!*




As summer draws to an end, I am feeling the pressure to start back up in my home schooling. Last year I home schooled Grace for kindergarten. With Lila being born in October, it wasn't all that I had hoped for. But it was successful enough that I am willing to try it again. And as I realize how much work first grade is going to be, I am reminding myself WHY I am choosing to keep my kids at home.
My usual answer is that I am homeschooling because Keith is a recruiter and we will be moving several times during our children's school years. Homeschooling will ensure that their education reaches my expectations and that as they patch together schooling that it will be consistent in content. For many military families, homeschooling is very much a logical choice.
But anyone who knows me well, will tell you that I will put aside logic any day to follow the fire in my belly! I believe that homeschooling is the BEST life for my children. It is an opportunity to fill them with all that is good and beautiful and holy in this world. My vision of what family life should be is what truly drives me everyday. And every time I experience a moment of pure simple joy, it only feeds into my desire for more of these moments. I dig deeper to create a family in which joy is more plentiful. I believe what John Bowring said, 'a happy family is but an earlier heaven'. I am addicted to the precious and happy and beautiful happenings that come with children! I love when all the kids are laughing together, the enjoyment of teaching a child something new and seeing their curiosity grow, hearing my children's imaginations expand as they incorporate the stories that I am feeding them. I love to create with my kids and watch them change. My kids are learning to love and be loved. Homeschooling is a beautiful lifestyle for families.



And then there are the other homeschooling families that I have met through my church and through chance meetings. These kids are HAPPY!!! They are surrounded by love all day long. They enjoy learning. And they get to stay kids. The moms I meet who have been doing this are intelligent, organized and passionate about life. And its weird how homeschooling families tend to have more than the average number of kids. It is because they are getting to enjoy them! And when you are raising kids that are happy and you see that they are growing into beautiful individuals, you just want to have one more!

I have a long way to go before our family is running as smoothly as I would like, but the joyful moments I crave seem to come more and more each day!

R E S P E C T

This past week has been very difficult. Brie is bucking all authority. On Wednesday she ran off with a friend. She was picked up by police that night for being out past curfew, vandalism, resiting arrest and disorderly conduct. She was beyond disrespectful to the police officers involved. And who gets to pick up her daughter out of the back of the police car? Me. Of course she has a laundry list of lost privileges and added responsibilities. We are trying to change her environment by what she is allowed to do and who she is allowed to see. But how do I change the way she thinks and how she lives her life? The root of the problem is that she does not have respect or love for herself. She doesn't care if she has a police record or what people think of her. She doesn't see a happy future as a possibility for herself. She doesn't believe that God has a plan for her life. And if she doesn't care if she is happy, why should she care if anyone else is happy. Misery loves company, right?

Our girls are afloat in a treacherous ocean of pop culture ugliness. Music tells them that they should be flattered to be picked up and used for a one night stand. Movies teach that it is normal for couples to use each other for sex before the are committed to each other in marriage. As soon as girls are out of the toddler sizes they have to search high and low for any clothing that gives them a little modesty. Social media outlets serve as an opportunity for girls to slander each other and guys to sexually harass girls. Relativism sneaks into all aspects of society as all truth becomes 'opinion' and we all get to play god and decide what is right and what is wrong.

We hope that all kids have parents who love them to counteract the ugliness that we live in, but what about kids whose parents don't or can't protect them? We as a society need to set higher standards for ourselves. Well, now Brie has parents who are going to insist that she respect herself. Of course she is going to hate us for this, since she will be different from the sea of other girls her age who have no idea what self respect is. So be it.

Patience

Brie has now been living with us for almost 6 weeks. I am having feelings of worry and hopelessness very similar to the feelings that I had when Lilarose was born. Because of her cleft palate she couldn't nurse and I was left without my baby cure-all. Nursing a baby is such a bonding experience and I missed that easy connection. And how could Lilarose ever be as attached to me as the other kids are without all those sweet tender moments? The smell of her formula was revolting, seriously, and she cried so much more than the other babies ever did. I longed for the familiarity of having the same experiece that I had had with the other kids. I felt like things would never be right. I felt disconnected from Lila.

Now she is nine months old. Lilarose has had a successful palate repair, she is a very happy baby and loves her mama like crazy. She is even the first baby to say 'mama' before 'dada'! Why did I spend all that time worrying? What a waste.

And now here I am with Brie. Letting myself worry again. How will she ever feel like she belongs in our family? How do I bond with a child right when I should be letting go? How do we even live together when we are from such different worlds? Brie has a good heart and I already love her. If she were to leave now I would be devastated. Yet I can't imagine things being easy. Will it someday be easy to correct her behavior without her taking it personally? Will we be able to find common interests to share and jokes to laugh about? Will she be able to accept a hug from me one day without prickling up? Will she ever truly be willing to drop all her walls and give and receive love from us. In my heart of hearts I believe yes. It may take more than nine months to be able to look back and realize that everything turned out ok, but one day I will realize that is has. As long as I try to be Christ to her, and not Rebecca. Rebecca gets hurt, feels rejected, takes things personally and worries. But Christ just wants to LOVE. He corrects out of love, not anger or irritation. He sees the big picture. He never gives up. He is patient.

Lord, grant me the patience, wisdom, and hope I need be what Brie needs. Live and love through me. Amen