Simplicity

Dear children,  It is so terribly difficult not to spoil you.  Yes, we are surround by abundance and opportunities to have more everything.  I enjoy so much giving you something new or seeing you in a brand new outfit.  But simplicity in childhood is a gift. It is a gift you will open years from now when you can relive the happiness of your childhood without having to buy it. You are likely to love the things you have and experience now for no other reason than that "that is how we did it when I was a kid"  And I try to remember this as I fashion our days.

I know that you will love many things just because that is how we did things when you were young. So I give you the gift of loving things that are simple.  I give you freedom from being a slave to things.  So much freedom is given to someone who is content with less.  If  we can be happy in a smaller space, with simpler food,  free entertainment or used clothes,  how much freedom  this gives us!  Freedom to marry someone for love.  Freedom to choose if you want to stay at home with your kids.  Freedom from debt.  Freedom from the competition of always having the biggest, the newest, the best.

I want to fill your childhood with things that you can always have. Laughing, loving, learning and knowing God are all beautiful and free things we can give you which will never spoil. 

I hope one day you will smile when you think of sitting at our craigslist table with our family, laughing and all having beanie weenies for dinner together.  And knowing in your heart that you were happy with the little we had because our house was full of love. And that loving God, others and yourself are the only things worth "having".

The more we tie "stuff" into the love that is mom and dad, the more burden we put on our children to love their children that way.   Simplicity is a gift we give our children and early childhood is the time to give it.  This is the time their brains are building that little place that feels like home later when they go out into the world.  As long as they are getting the basics kids won't feel want.  They don't realize how much "stuff" is out there so how can they miss it?  They enjoy whatever comes from mom and dad.  Because mom and dad mean happy and safe and loved. 

Please children, choose beauty

I continue to be amazed by the instant love parents feel for a new born baby.  I am obsessed with Clare.  I just want to be with her all the time.  I miss her when she naps.  I love how she stops crying  just because I pick her up.  How can I love this person so much that  I JUST MET?  Why do moms love their children from the moment they know they exist?  It is the beautiful proof that love should not come from what others can do or give to us.  Love gives, not takes. We love others for no other reason than that they are.

And my greatest hope for my babies is that they choose the beautiful in life.  Please choose the beautiful.

Choose the beauty of loving others.  Choose the beauty of serving.  Choose the beauty of being grateful.  Let life make you easily happy.  Sacrifice willingly.  Seek the beauty of truth and you will find God. 

There is goodness and beauty everywhere waiting, begging for someone to say yes.  If you grow up to be smart or handsome or wealthy fine.  But what I really want for you is to say yes to beauty in all its mess, exhaustion, and generousness.  God wants to give us so much more than we know we want. 

Growing and Growing!

Well, also since my blogging in 2011 we have had 2 more baby girls!  Emma Isabella Goretti was born on April 25, 2012.

And our sweet Clare Angelus was just born on March 24, 2014.

So now we are all caught up!

Blog block

Wow, YEARS can go by so quickly! This blog has sat untouched since 2011.  But I can't continue my blog without resolving the past posts about Brie. We lost our foster daughter since my last posting.  Lost in the sense that everything fell apart.  Lost in that I couldn't be who Brie needed me to be.  She was with us for 17 months and for the life of me I only have a handful of fun or happy memories from all that time of her.  It was discipline, discipline, discipline... the hardest and worst part of parenting.  Yet, if she would ever ask me for anything good, anything she wasn't going to use to hurt herself, I would still give or do anything for her.

We couldn't move her to Chicago with us but she is a forever part of my heart.  It is certainly nice to love someone that you enjoy being around, but love doesn't come from "good times".  Love is more than that.  Love comes from wanting the best for someone, seeing the beauty in them, and recognizing their value for no other reason than that God created them.  Brie is the biggest failing of my life.  She showed me how weak I really am.  How far I have to go to live what I believe.  I could give you a million "rational" reasons why Brie couldn't move with us but the truth is I couldn't watch the pain up close anymore.  She was so dug into her self destructive ways and it hurt too much to see her continually throw away anything good she was offered.  I was physically ill anytime she was not at home because I was so worried about her.  I hope that she will end up happy in the end but  she is likely going to take the longest and most difficult way to get there.  I  hope  that if she ever needs family she will come to us.  We miss her and pray for her all the time.  Our lost daughter.

Let them come

With baby number 5 on the way, I think that I have finally grown past the belief that I am planning out my life and am the one in control. I feel the surrender to God. I want to live God's will for my life and be a tool for Him to use as He sees best. Whomever you want to create Lord, we will make room for them. Bless us Lord, and we will accept with gratitude. At this point I really don't see how having one more child or 5 will really change my life that much. We live the rhythm of a large family now. Adding children will only affect how long this song will play. So let them come Lord. Continue to give me the graces I need and I will follow you. I have passed through the initial fire that burns off those things that could have kept me from having a large family.
Perfectionism. With the first couple of kids I wanted everything perfect. Perfect, brand new clothes, perfect, beautiful home. Perfect behavior and picture perfect holidays. Now my priority is to have the things I need and where I can find them. And I understand that we do not make our kids who they are, we are only molding what is already there.
Career. Each baby used to be a new count down to how many years until all the kids would be in school and I could start a career. Now my kids and their education have become the most fulfilling job I could imagine putting my time and strength into. I will change the world, one child at a time. Creating children who know how to love and are who they were created to be is a very worthwhile pursuit. And finding ways to save money is almost as good as making money.
Free time. This is hard to give up because having kids is very inspiring! I want to sew them pretty dresses and cook yummy things and read all the books. But I am learning how to take short 15 or 30 minutes escapes throughout the week which add up to me being able to still have hobbies and interests.
Husband time. I know that it is important to make my husband a priority. When the kids are grown and gone it will be Keith who is left there waiting for me. It is Keith to whom I vowed to God to love all the days of my life. I know that he looks forward to the time when things are easier, when we have more freedom to do as we please, and less chaos. But I also think that the children we have are a big reason that we are still very much in love. Love can so easily grow stale.... but these children force us to mature. I see Keith work harder and harder to provide for our family. He must grow in his ability to sacrifice for others. His knowledge and wisdom when it comes to children continues to grow. And with each pregnancy he becomes my rock. In the same way I am forced to raise the bar with each child. To become more patient, more efficient, more loving, and more willing to sacrifice. We are each becoming better people and more lovable to each other with each child. And we share the laughter and amazement of seeing what new individuals God creates from our openness to life. I think kids are good for marriages.
Comfort Having kids is not exactly comfortable. Much time is spent dealing with bodily excretements or contortioning oneself into weird positions for one reason or the other. There are endless hours spent carrying children and doing things one handed. No matter how organized you are the house will get dirty every day and needs to be cleaned again. I haven't slept through the night in years and I rarely get an uninterrupted shower. But thank you God, that we adjust to the stress we are put under. These things are normal now and don't bother me (most of the time!), and the little comfortable escapes I do get are amplified. And what is more comfortable than snuggling your nose into a head of baby curls?!
Security No, I won't be able to give my kids everything. They are going to have to work through college like I did and will start off their lives living on love just like Keith and I! But are they going to be worse people because of it? No. Are people whose parents pay for their college happier people? I don't think they are happier or unhappier. Our kids will understand, just as I did, that mom and dad chose to give them more siblings rather than buy them things they don't really need. And it will be hard, and they will work for those things they really want. And they will realize one day that the security their parents were able to give them came in their knowledge of family and love and a foundation of faith.

Someone's little girl

This Saturday was Brie's mom's birthday. We visited her grave at the cemetery, went to a movie, let her go on facebook as much as she wanted, and just tried to make the day not completely miserable. It was surely, still, a very hard day for Brie. And I know that this day will be hard for her for many, many, years to come. Moms are irreplaceable.
A couple of summers ago one of my little sister's friends died in a highway traffic accident. Shannon had been friends with Karen since elementary school and I can easily picture her as a little girl up through high school. She left behind a husband and three year old daughter. For the weeks that followed all I could think about was this little girl who was her mom's world. All the little things that moms do for their kids. Who was going to give Lola her cute pig tails and make sure she always looked adorable. Who was going to call her boogie and beam as she tells funny anecdotes about what Lola had done? Who was going to make the foods she liked, who was going to hold her when she cries, who was going to make her a little princess for the rest of her life? Shannon's husband has always been a very involved and loving dad, but moms are irreplaceable.
I try to think about how much Roxanne loved Brie. Brie was her little girl and her whole life. Probably the best thing that ever happened to her. Sometimes with all the disciplining and door slamming and teenage stuff it is hard to remember that I am taking care of some one's little girl. I am the one who needs to cherish and love where a mom left off. Despite all the drama that erupts out of tragedy, God created this child to be loved and has a purpose and beautiful plan for her life. Brie won't believe me, but I know God didn't create her just to suffer and be miserable. Jesus would have died for each and everyone one us on the cross, and He did. We all have a father for suffered and gave up everything because He loved each one of His children that much. And I wish that I could truly live in a state of awareness that each one of us is worth dying for. Each one of us is loved beyond measure. The jerk in traffic, the rude coworker, the judgemental person in your life... God sees them first as His little one who is worth dying for. Lord God, please help me to see Gabrielle as her mom did, and help me see all people as you do. Amen

Suffering

Well, for anyone who hasn't heard yet, we are expecting again! Baby number 5 is due in April which will bring us to 6 children. I am almost 16 weeks along and am coming out of the miserable first trimester. I dread it every time. I have morning sickness all day long and am SO tired. Even food commercials on TV make my stomach scream. Keith would ask me for suggestions on what to cook for meals and even thinking about food is too much. But I am also really hungry, if I could only find that one special food that doesn't sound disgusting. It really is neurotic. I was more tired with this pregnancy than I remember being with the others. I lay down with Lila to put her to sleep at nine and hell and high water won't keep me awake after that. ( Above is a picture of a snack Trip made for himself- in desperation apparently.)
The physical discomfort is unpleasant, of course, but the true suffering is from watching my kids not have a functioning mom. All these little ones that need me and I am falling asleep on the couch. I don't like my kids eating cereal for dinner every night, I don't like taking sick days from Grace's homeschooling, I don't like the house being trashed in every single room, dishes all over the counter, old food or no food in the fridge, no one has clean underwear or socks and the grass is a foot high out back. And it is so long for everyone. It is one thing to feel bad for a day or two, but week after week after week, it seems like it will never end.
Then I begin to wonder, "God, if you love to create new life so much, why do you have to make it so miserable!" But I look and see Jesus on the cross and remember, God's own Son had to suffer, why should I expect better? After 5 tries, I might be learning a little something about why God has me suffer with each pregnancy. It is a lesson in gratitude. When I reach that miraculous week 16 and the morning sickness and fatigue are suddenly gone, I am SO THANKFUL to be able to clean a toilet, fry an egg, or fold 10 loads of laundry. I am thankful to have the ability to take care of my children again. I am reminded what a gift it is to be a mother and how much I love my kids having me for a mom. It is so sad seeing them fend for themselves like the lost boys in Peter Pan. They need me and I love being able to take care of them. Sometimes mom stuff can be repetitive- cleaning up the same toys, washing the same dishes, folding the same clothes- but it is WAY worse to not be able to do it. Thank you God for reminding me how much my children need me and how important all the little things I do everyday are to the peace and joy in our home. Amen